Tried and True: Holiday (and Everyday) DE stressors
By: Izzy Wilson
“There are many psychological effects of being a single parent, including significant amounts of stress. Lack of support, conflicts over parenting and custody, and financial worries are just a few common sources of single-parent stress.” (2022). (https://www.verywellmind.com)
Because of these stressors, being a single parent can make this season exponentially harder to negotiate. Especially if we leave our stressors unplanned for and unchecked. These tried-and-true tips come primarily from my powerful, wise, and truly remarkable single-mother: Reverend Ethel Will Wilson (1939-1999).
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), is an influencer and it’s practice, mindfulness, has origins in Buddhist teachings and is also incorporated into this blog. All of these sources and dozens of scholarly journal articles were considered.
Tried-and-True Stress Busters
- Plan Ahead: I cannot overemphasize this enough, and if you infrequently finish blogs, this is THE most important tip to know.
Anticipate conversations or activities that you know will produce stress for you. If u have a lot of them, list and rate by most stress causing conversations/activities and prepare accordingly.
It’s also great to have a WRAP Plan in the hands of people you trust. It’s a description of you in a normal emotional state versus you in crisis (with either anxiety or depression or a diagnosis of any mental illness). See this link for instructions on making your own WRAP plan LINK.
- Practice: write or talk into a mirror (or any setting and manner you want to practice) but do it as often as possible and in as many ways as you and your thinkers can come up with!
Example: my ex sends his new wife to pick up the kids AND often comes hours early without warning, so I practice for both contingencies. I imagine what my lines in the sand are (kids Won’t leave more than twenty minutes earlier, she can wait). Do I want to confront the early times with stepmom? (If so, how can I privately and tactfully begin a conversation…what will I say? What might she say?…HOPE FOR THE BEST BUT PREPARE FOR THE WORST.
NOTE on Planning and Practice:
Besides being a good idea, these planning and practice activities will make you more self-aware (be easy on but realistic with yourself), make you kinder, bolder, more confident and you can adapt your language use and tone of voice and body language in general, to deal similarly with different people.
But less stress is the big reward!
- Take Small Breaks: Stash your headphones in the bathroom and lock the door for five minutes and listen to your jam or meditation or nature audio. Set watch to bring you back.
Other getaways: trip to store, hunt for something believable in garage/shed, to the neighbors for butter…plan these too!
- Keep Your Goals to Accomplish in the Forefront, especially during the event. “Choose your battles,” Mom would say. The wine on your white Berber carpet will still be there in a day, 10000 relatives and friends, won’t. Prioritize the people🤩.
- Use Your Allies: friends, family members, and your great thinkers* can help with planning, practice and sometimes even execution of a great gathering. The five minutes in the bathroom could include a phone-a-friend call!
*Great thinkers are who you trust with honesty about the question at hand. Their opinion is valued by you.
Mine are intelligent: some educated, some street smart, some mechanically inclined (truth is I hunt for skills in others), each are outspoken, opinionated (yet attentive and open minded), and each has my best interest at heart when they thoughtfully respond to my questions. I then run ideas by these thinkers and invoke another mom saying after we talk. “Take what you can use and leave the rest” of people’s opinions and arguments.
Pamper Yourself:
A long bath by candlelight is my favorite after-event activity (with Adele feeling me about relationships😂) but there are 100s of ways to pamper yourself … affirmations, prayer, meditation, exercise, healthy food, sufficient sleep, a pedicure, haircut or some other way to remind yourself how amazing you are!
Be Realistic and Unafraid to Compromise:
Lately I have had multiple people tell me that I am skilled at making people feel inherently important. That skill works on my kids’ stepmom too. I have matured and changed and new me is a queen with flaws I will cop to. I negotiate laws and human rights concerns, why couldn’t I see her without heart racing, fight or flight kicking in, dumping of the steroid cortisol into my blood stream, etc. ad nauseum?
Get real with yourself and consider making the rough- to-love-ones the ones you figure out how to value. It changes the terrain of holidays.
- Know When You Need More Intense Help:
Anxiety can get out of control and lead to panic attacks. Depression before, during or after the holidays often makes its chemicals known.
after the ending of a major event and a sudden return to school for the kids can lead to feelings of loss and sadness that tip the neurotransmitter scale and deplete our dopamine and serotonin supplies, leaving us sleepy and weak and our eating and socializing may change, and our interpersonal relationships may suffer if symptoms are not addressed.
If other people are noticing, listen to common themes. Practice DE stressors and–if necessary– seek support groups or individual therapy or psychiatry. Many mental health centers offer support groups in addition to individual and medication therapy a, peer support and case managers who are highly skilled.
If you feel like hurting yourself or someone else, please don’t.
Please call a counselor at 988 immediately.
They offer text, direct messaging chat or phone counseling at the 988 link above.
Remember this my Parenting Warriors:
You are worthy, you are capable, and you will persevere.
Happy Holidays!
Izzy Wilson
To read more from Izzy visit:
https://izzy1969w.wixsite.com/izzyofappalachia
https://ibpf.org/?s=liz+wilson
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